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Monday, April 16, 2012

Dearest Discovery Channel,

You have all the integrity of a pissed-on toilet seat.
Extended doomsday-shelter infomercials as programming?
Let me offer a counter-argument
because I have seen futility
and it’s shaped like a pyramid.

You’ve discovered crazy—
"preppers" with an eye toward End Times
and tens of thousands of dollars to spend
on booby-trapped cargo containers buried in the earth,
or flame-resistant tee-pees made of steel and paranoia.

You see, the bad guys—
wandering Muslim extremists, zombies,
or welfare-hoarding sex workers—
are not going to attack you with falling cars and,
after the fire, they can wait you out.
They have nowhere better to be,
nowhere else to go.

I have seen your badass pyramid pod,
and it’s shaped like the greatest nation on Earth
burrowing underground.