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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Kamikaze Lunchbreak Productions presents: Looking Back at 2004
Finishing Something
Y’know, I was thinking I’d scrap this whole 2004 retrospective idea (as I did last year) seeing that it’s now 2005 and we, as Americans, hate introspection and reflection. But then I thought, “Fuck that,” because I never finish a goddamn thing. And that shit’s gotta stop. Yo. (Incidentally, the mental mantra of “You never finish anything” will play in my head this year, every time I decide not to write something down, not to pick up the camera.)

So, despite the fact that I received exactly one (or one-and-a-half) submission for the “Best of 2004,” I’m pressing ahead. Don’t get in my way, and no-one gets hurt.

Best Movie (Seen): Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (didn’t see The Incredibles or Sideways . . . but I did see Garden State)

Worst Movie (Period): The Chronicles of Riddick

Best Book (Read): The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

Best Hotel Heiress Blowjob Video (Seen): Hmmm. I’ll let you know if I run across something for this strangely specific category. I don’t recall anything off the top of my head.

Best Show: Deadwood (sorry, Lost)

Best CD: Antics by Interpol

Best Example of Paternal “Branding” of Offspring: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson’s father (In an effort to not compete with big-sis Jessica, Ashlee is trying to bite into the “punk- chic” market. For fuck’s sake, Ashlee Simpson makes Avril look like Kira Roessler.)

Melman’s Top 10 Moment’s of American Culture in 2004:
10. Janet Jackson’s right tit
9. Bill O’Reilly’s vibrator
8. Jon Stewart calling Tucker Carlson a “dick” on Crossfire
7. Fox trying to sue over the use of the phrase “fair and balanced”
6. Curt Schilling
5. Janet Jackson’s right tit
4. Indiana Pacers Ron Artest beating up the wrong guy
3. Offical Bush definition of Tribal Sovereignty (http://www.jefm.net/audio/Bush%-%Tribal%Sovereignty.mp3)
2. New Political Demographic - United States of Canada vs. Jesusland
1. Janet Jackson’s right tit

(Ed. note: I won’t try and expand on or dispute this list, other than to say that there seems to be quite an emphasis on Ms. Jackson’s publicity stunt. Also, when questioned on the inclusion of Curt Schilling, our dear Melman was unaware that Curt was “shilling” for Bush in the days leading up to the election. [I assume his inclusion on the list was in reference to his Cortizone-injection-fueled slaying of the bloated Yankees.] As a side note, I saw that Under Armor has trademarked their [silly] catchphrase, “We Must Protect This House™.” More like “We Must Protect This Profit Margin!”)

All of that aside, here is Melman’s brilliant MS Paint take on the Janet Jackson marketing ploy:

Worst Song: Actually, it’s a tie between several very, very, very bad remakes . . . like Jessica’s version of “Take My Breath Away” or Sheryl Crowe’s take on “The First Cut is the Deepest.” No Doubt’s “It’s My Life” has a nice groove to it, even if adding nothing to the original.

Worst (Period): That nü-country duet featuring Ms. Crowe and Kid Rock. Sweet monkey balls!* That. Song. Makes. Me. Want. To. Flay. The skin. Off. My. Entire. Body. It’s bad enough to make real country music sound good. Which is a feat only French rap bands and Blues Traveler can perform.

Look, this list is by no means comprehensive . . . or comprehensible. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could finish something. At least I didn’t say I’d finish it well. Then I’d be fucked.

* Borrowed, as always, for the dear Mr. ADD. Who's now as old as I am.