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Thursday, December 23, 2004
Are You Lost, Little Girl?
Dear Susan Smith*,

I thought you were supposed to be in prison for killing your two kids 10 years ago, y’fuckin’ bitch. Did they let you out to go shopping in Tallahassee?

You look like you've lost a lot of weight, but that Redneck Dixie Outfitters t-shirt is in poor taste. Not quite as bad as drowning your two sons, though. Speaking of which, who’s the douchebag you’re with? Maybe he helped you bust out. Maybe he’s one of he guards up there.

Anyway, I haven’t got time to shoot the proverbial shit with you, y’child-killin’ whore. I’ve got shopping to do here at Target. Shouldn't you be down the road at Wal-Mart?


In other news, I went to buy the Avon again this afternoon. And again the door was locked. It was after 2 o’clock, and there was no sign telling me where the fuck everyone was. Okay, EAT ME, Avon-pushers! I hope your business fails and you get ass cancer.**

So, instead, I got a gift card to TGI Friday’s (where my grandparents like to eat). On the gift card holder, there were lines for “To” and “From” and “Amount” . . . and “Because.” In that blank, I wrote, “Christ was born in Bethlehem.”

Merry Christmas Happy Holidays, everyone!

* It really did look like a shorter, skinnier version of Susan Smith. Actually, approximately 13.9% of all southern women look beaten-down and homely, so it could’ve been anyone, I suppose. And all of the 13.9% wear those t-shirts.

** Okay, that might be a little harsh.