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Monday, October 25, 2004
Kamikaze Psycho
Y’know in the beginning of American Psycho, where Patrick Bateman is telling us about his morning ritual? Do you have one of those? Maybe not as clinical and exact as Mr. Bateman’s, but do you use the same products, in the same order, in the same way, each and every day?

I think about this shit sometimes. Because I’ve fallen into a routine, although my product-use is somewhat un-rigid. I can safely say that my “metrosexual” reputation wasn’t born with my hygiene routine. You can imagine Christian Bale’s voice narrating my morning:

The alarm goes off at 6:15 each morning. The clock is across the room, so I have to get out of bed to turn it off. Once the echoes of beeping have subsided, I stand bracing myself against the wall in the dark for a few moments before heading to the shower. Our shower is special (in the retarded way), so I turn on the hot water and wait about 15 to 20 seconds for it to start running lukewarm before I step into the stall and turn on the cold water to balance things out. I start by lathering my hair with whatever Suave / Prell / Pert 2-in-1 shit I have on-hand. Before rinsing my hair, I soap my face with the oatmeal-blend hotel soap from our trip(s) to Destin. After that, I use the bath wash / gay-scrubby combo to wash my body (the body wash is about as particular as shampoo). Once, I’m fully rinsed off, I towel-dry, starting with my hair, which goes from the towel to my shaving hat (a backwards baseball hat I use to keep my hair out of the shaving cream . . . also keeps my hair flat so I don’t have to brush it . . . seriously, I haven’t brushed my hair in over a month). The shaving ritual is a little more brand-specific than the showering ritual, in that I use Edge gel and a Gillette Mach 3 Turbo razor. Once I get the shaving cream on, I get dressed on the lower half of my body. Then I shave (using very-bad short, quick strokes), apply no after-shave or cologne, and finish getting dressed.

I can’t believe this is what I’ve been reduced to. But Michelle already covered a lot of the weekend which, even for us, was pretty non-exciting. Two weeks from now, however, we’ll be getting back from Atlanta with more than a few stories to tell. Of course, several of you will have read them lived them, so what’s the point, really?