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Thursday, February 12, 2004
Saving the World . . . One Whore at a Time
Band practice isn’t usually the source of ‘blog-post gold, but it’s not every practice that we sit around and talk about making this country better. Last night, however, we did just that. In our post-rockin’ roundtable, we discussed a flurry of issues, most notably the great triumvirate of balanced, across-the-board changes: legalized prostitution, legalized marijuana, and public corporal / capital punishment.

Legalized prostitution and marijuana have long been discussed as ways to regulate what people are doing anyway, and create a new (and sizable) tax base. Now, these may be morally questionable practices, but there are ways of making people accountable. For instance, legalized prostitution could be set up so that “johns” had to be registered in such a way that notices and reminders are occasionally sent to the “john’s” house, y’know, to make sure that he’s had his mandatory health screening. And, of course, there’d be a handy swipe card with a photograph, so each “john” is easily tracked after he enters the brothel / sex-worker complex. (And there’d be “janes,” too, because at the Kamikaze Sex Palace, we cater to all genders, races, and most non-bestial fetishes.) You could have peep-show rooms with private booths for the low-rent customers. There could be areas for foot fetishists, fans of the “hand release,” and strippers / lap dances. And then, of course, a whole smorgasbord of whores of varying shape, size, specialty, and price range. Can you imagine how much money the Government could make regulating those places? Man, the Mob had better get some lobbyists to keep that shit from happening!

As for pot, well, what’s the big deal? Gateway drug? Yeah, whatever. More dangerous than alcohol? You’re out of your fuckin’ mind. Sure, it’s damaging, but no more than several legal substances. Package it, sell it, and tax it. Over and out.

It seems that I’ve already covered the public-humiliation aspect of public caning as an added deterrent to crime. What if we had a channel, like Crime and Punishment T.V.? It could run brief summaries and highlights of trials as a context for showing the punishments. If we must kill people as capital punishment, then it should be televised, so the world can see what a horror it is . . . or a great benefit, depending on your view. But during the day, it’d be lighter fare. “Be sure to tune in at 10 a.m. on Saturday for the public canings . . . live from downtown Tallahassee!” Because, in my heart of hearts, I think caning should be the chief form of punishment in this country. Caught shoplifting? Ouch, that’s gonna leave a scar! Beat up your girlfriend again? You’d better close your eyes, clench your teeth, and hold on tight, buddy.