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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Your Official Kamikaze Lunchbreak Voting Guide
With the primary voting season upon us (to be followed, ominously, by the general election in November), it might be time for a little primer. Between working and fulfilling my civic duties, I’ve done little else besides think about presidential politics. Monday night, for instance, I watched the Iowa caucus results come in. And, of course, last night I watched the amazingly incompetent antics taking place in the House chamber.

So, for your first lesson in voting, let’s go over some glossary terms:

“electable” – I think we set a pretty low standard for this back in 2000, don’t you? I mean, if we can “elect” George W. Bush to the White House, is anyone not electable? Yeah, I know this term is used to refer to a candidate’s party-crossover / centrist / swing-voter appeal (e.g., Howard Dean’s apparent lack of). I’m just saying that, after the criminal policies of the past three years, couldn’t we just stick this tag on anyone who’s not currently in the White House?

“centrist” – This term is used, supposedly, for people who are in the middle . . . between Democrats and Republicans. I’m not convinced that such people exist. And I’ll go a step further . . . I’m not sure the two parties aren’t connected . . . one big party. Seriously, the more-liberal Republicans and more-conservative Democrats are basically the same. Or similar, anyway. I mean, you could have a fairly liberal person who was staunchly anti-abortion, or an ultra-conservative who wanted to protect the environment. Where do you draw the line?

“swing voters” – These would be the on-the-fence people who could be swayed by either party’s candidate . . . another name for a “centrist.” After getting his party’s nomination, the candidate will run to the “middle” to court “swing voters.” Who, apparently, live in “swing states.”

“The Scream” – The barbaric yawp that Dean unleashed after coming in third in the Iowa caucuses. He then proceeded to list the home states of his major opponents as states he was going to win. Ho, boy. I say that now, but at the time, I was, like, “Man, look at that cocky motherfucker!”

“special interests” – These would be the lobbyists, large contributors, and charity groups that help “shape” a president’s policy. Apparently, John Kerry thinks (as he said in his post-caucus speech) that they’ll be swept out of the D.C. if he’s elected president. And that’s bullshit. Let’s not kid ourselves, Senator. The “special interests” that you manage to usher out will be replaced by other, different, “special interests.”

Okay, that got boring. (Did it really?) Kind-of like the State of the Union last night. (Maybe I should’ve played this game.*) I had a checklist of all the talking points that Dubya was going to use to prove that he, not Flash Gordon, savedeveryoneofus. And he hit them all: capturing Saddam (Hillary clapped half-heartedly at that one), providing seniors with cheap prescription drugs (the drug companies have never been happier), putting money right into our pockets using the ever-popular tax cuts, leaving no child behind, and protecting our country from tourists terrorists using the Patriot Act (which elicited the most timely applause from the Democrats, who interrupted him to clap when he said, “. . . the Patriot Act is set to expire next year . . .”).

Let’s boil it down, shall we? If the powers of Compassionate Conservatism™ can get together and Frankenstein Bush into a successful candidate, why are people afraid of Howard Dean’s lack of foreign policy experience? Remember: Bush knew nothing about foreign policy during the 2000 campaign. The guy was, and still is, retarded. And you think he’ll lose votes when people realize that the only moderate cabinet member (who matters . . . Colin Powell) won’t serve with Bush for another term? Shit, I’d bet Colin Powell could announce his candidacy now and become the Republican nominee. Okay, maybe not NOW, but you get the picture.

Hey, let’s boil this down some more. Here is the best, most-distilled anti-Bush plea ever.** I can’t stop watching it.


* link borrowed from Lotus, Esq.
** link borrowed from Debbie