Oh, God. This again?

 
The Resolution Matrix
When I realized that I'd be putting together a lengthy laundry list of things to do in 2004, I decided I'd title the corresponding post in a way that echoes Matrix: Revolutions and the similarly titled TV show (The Threat Matrix). I've only seen one of these, so lemme tell you . . . I think I liked Kelly Rutherford better as the Hooker with a Heart of Gold™ on Melrose Place.

My gaybo tendencies aside here we go. In 2004, I resolve:

-- to exercise more.

-- to drink more water.

-- to make more time for writing.

-- to be a better husband.

-- to be a better father.

-- to be a better friend.

-- to take a multi-vitamin a day.

-- to eat a more balanced diet . . . and, on a related note, to prepare a larger part of my family's food using something other than a microwave.

-- to floss more regularly (read: to floss, period).

-- to remember people's birthdays.

-- to keep more in touch with family far away.

-- to 'blog less, and be more billable (whoa, ha, ha . . . just kidding there).

-- to put stuff back where I found it (or, alternately, where it belongs).

-- to watch at least one movie a week.

-- to read at least one book a month.

-- to take more pictures and, perhaps, finally start the project I formulated in my community-college photography class.

-- to be more organized (which should help me with several of the above items).

I told Jules, in her comments, that I'd have "like, 25" resolutions on my list. If you count them, you'll find that I'm a few short. And many of them are hard to quantify and/or pretty vague.

Now, here's a fun game (and the "winner" WON'T get a mix CD, either). See if you can pick out the resolutions that I'm least (or most) likely to keep. You can be the optimist or the pessimist!

I'll just say that when I make my kamikazes in my short-stemmed cocktail glass, it's always half-full. In all other facets of my life, the glass is half-empty . . . and cracked.

Oh, and, for the record, the New Year starts on January 5. I've been too sick and/or distracted to prepare myself for a long list of resolutions.

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Okay, pop quiz, hot shot!

You've had a cold for two weeks. Your throat hurts like a motherfucker. Your head's stuffy. Which of these remedies will prove most effective?

a. Tylenol Nighttime Flu
b. Nyquil
c. three beers and some nasal spray

Actually, the answer is none of them cleared my nose or stopped my throat from hurting. But I think I slept much better after last night's beer. I foresee more of the same tonight.

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See, I wanted to do the big, year-end "Best of" list and use it in the typical, snarky, 'blogger way . . . and also to pay tribute to my favorite 'blog sites. Y'know . . . shout out to my homies, like my straight-pimpin', rotisserie-chicken-buyin' host in Atlanta; the punk-rock, PBR-slammin' Queen of Richmond; the domestic Goddess / unemployed barista in Seattle; the geometry-hatin', pirate-lovin', shark-o-matic, not-legally-old-enough-to-drink-but-blogging-beyond-her-years girl in Peoria; the shingles-ridden Battleship player and all-too-gracious host of my comments in Chicago; the soon-to-be-single-mom college chick with a gorgeous daughter and who's much too close to her kitchen utensils (also) in Seattle; the Canadian soon-to-be-mother who turned me on to Helix; the Yankee fan / goth-song-quoting-mistress-of-darkness / hip-hopper / photographic artiste in L.A.; the prolific mother of two whose frisky husband will put his foot up your ass if you as his wife "for the sex"; the person I may have become had my father really moved us out to Phoenix when I was in high school . . . and had I been a girl; the girl named Poo, who has a boy named boy, and a job at the super-secret corporate entity that will destroy / save us all; the all-too-often swear-impaired hockey vixen / drug-pusher from Indianapolis; the child-protecting web-hostess whose Cowboys must be destroyed; the car-crashin' Hootress whose Mia will totally rule her school; NYC attorneys of the incompetent and Asian varieties (not that Asian lawyers can't also be incompetent, and vice versa); San Francisco's wandering wiseguy, who's quick with the imaginary barfight; and last, but not least, that random chick from West Virginia whose traumas and triumphs are what make the Blogsphere the special place that it is.

If only I could've come up with a clever way of doing that.
shaken and poured by Scott-san at 12:58 PM