Oh, God. This again?

 
“Sugarballs.”
We’re back from the marriage of the now Mr. and Mrs. Glory Hole. (That joke’s kind-of getting old at this point, isn't it?) We had too much a lot of fun in Cape Canaveral and Cocoa Beach. Did some shopping in “historic” Cocoa’s quirky boutique / antique district. Strangely enough, most of the purchases were for other people. Fancy that.

So, anyhow, here are 10 12 things I want you to know about our trip:

-- There seems to be a debate about which way is faster / better when driving from Tallahassee to Cape Canaveral. Well, I timed the drive and logged the mileage both ways, and I can tell you that going the I-75 / Turnpike / Bee Line way is no faster than the I-10 / 295 around Jacksonville / I-95 way. It is about 11 miles shorter to go the Bee Line, but it’ll cost you a bunch of money in tolls . . . spaced in such a way to break up any momentum you might have and really piss you off and make you curse the name of Our Most Holy Lord and Saviour™ make you mad.

-- I didn’t have any sunglasses, so I had to purchase some in the gift shop at the hotel after standing in the sun by the pool talking to Mr. Glory Hole’s family. I think you know that the sunglasses are made by Panama Jack.

-- The rehearsal dinner (there was no rehearsal) was at The Mango Tree in Cocoa Beach. I had the chicken and Michelle had the salmon. (Most of the rest of our table had the veal.) We both had lots of Riesling (although the server did sneak a glass of Sauvignon Blanc in there for good measure . . . the rat bastard) on empty stomachs. Needless to say, we were buzzing pretty hard.

-- The restaurant had a pond with several koi, which were the biggest goddamn Japanese fish I’d seen in my fucking life. (The hotel had a koi pond, too, which was very close to our room. And every time we’d pass it, Michelle would whisper “Koi!” in this cute, little-girl’s voice.)

-- After the rehearsal dinner, a bunch of us went to a local dive bar called The Pig & Whistle. We were a little dressed up, so we didn’t “blend in” very well (which apparently provoked the “y’all-ain’t-from-around-here” speech later on . . . the “you’re-showing-your-white-trash-colors” response almost caused some trouble). I ordered a pitcher of Harp when we got there, and tried to slink out later and stick someone else with the $9 tab. But, alas, I am not that slick. I did, however, do fairly well at pool, sinking my first four shots . . . and then I promptly returned to my mediocre pool-playing ways.

-- A few hours before the wedding, I had an informative conversation with The Drunk Cousin™ about what skills a man should have. Apparently these include (but are not limited to) knowing how to drive a semi, bet on horses, and run a football pool. Hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

-- The wedding ceremony took about 5 minutes total. Not even joking. (On a side note, Michelle helped edit the vows for Mr. Glory Hole.)

-- The reception was quite an event. This guy was at our table (that’s Table 16, yo). We were a particularly obnoxious bunch. (For example, to transition away from an intensely graphic account of childbirth, we started on the much friendlier topic of fisting. Yes, ‘tis true.)

-- Prior to the reception, there was a “cocktail hour” while the wedding party had their pictures taken. The bartender continued working for the rest of the reception. I’d started drinking Kirin, so I had to keep venturing to the bar to get my fix. The bartender once asked, “What can I get you, sweet pea?” This prompted a discussion at the table at what outrageous nicknames she’d come up with next (e.g., “lumberjack,” “log-jammer”). By far the best name was Tom’s . . . “sugarballs.”

-- I eventually switched from Kirin to drinking Sauvignon Blanc straight from the bottle.

-- On his way back to his room, the groom stripped to his underwear and tuxedo shirt and jumped in the pool.

-- We missed out on the after-wedding party, but there was reportedly a reenactment of the entire ceremony with a couple of the groom’s friends playing the part of the happy couple.

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Well, I’ve been watching Mia for the past couple days (daycare closed for the week), so I’ve been behind on my ‘blogging duties (doesn't help that my ISP at home is suckin' the proverbial ass). I’m posting this about an hour or two before we leave for five days in Atlanta and Huntsville. I don’t think I’ll be updating or reading much during that time, so I’ll most likely see you all next week.

Have a great Thanksgiving!
shaken and poured by Scott-san at 4:51 PM