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Monday, June 16, 2003
I Don't Like the Drugs, but the Drugs Like Me
Here's the deal: You match the substance* with the correct effect**.

The substances:
a. rum
b. tequila
c. pot
d. LSD / blotter / acid
e. mushrooms

The effects:
1. May cause someone to have the following exchange with a friend while driving down a canopied driveway: "You're too close!" "Stay on target." "Loosen up!" "Stay on target." Conversation may even end with someone saying, "You watch out for those fighters, I'll watch out for the towers!"

2. May cause someone to hallucinate (if enough is consumed), or have a "deep" conversation with someone else (a future spouse, perhaps) on a trampoline. May also cause someone (else) to name a dead worm "Monte." (Said worm may have been from a bottle of liquor.)

3. May cause someone to spend all available cash on food from Taco Bell. Or claim that Twinkies are "the best food I've ever tasted" while playing Super Mario Kart on Nintendo 64. Or claim that his/her stomach has "negative volume," or that his/her "knees are fuzzy."

4. May cause someone to open-mouth kiss someone else who has fallen face-down in his/her own vomit.

5. May cause someone to appear zombie-like during sex. Or see/hear butterflies on a shower curtain laughing while he/she urinates, or toppings rearranging themselves on a pizza, or cars passing by in stop-motion. However, it's doubtful that this will cause someone to be better at Tetris or Archanoid.


* Kamikaze Lunchbreak does not advocate the use of illegal substances. Well, not LSD anyway. Probably not tequila either, unless it's really good. Other substances are probably okay . . . in moderation and not while driving.

** I can safely say that, while these are all based on personal experiences, I was a witness . . . in one or two cases, anyway.